（I will be translating this doc to English soon) 

愛猫「ハナ（花）」との突然のお別れ

 今週月曜（17日）の夜にアパートを出てから帰ってこなかったハナが2日後の水曜（19日）の午後に変わり果てた姿で発見されました。17日の夜、お別れを言うように長い間、ベッドの上で横になった私の上でゴロゴロと言いながら据わり続けたハナ。ざらざらとした舌で顔と首を舐めてくれたハナ。もうあの愛らしいハナに会えないのかと思うと、痛みで胸と体がこの地に沈んでいくように感じられます。ハナが帰ってこなくなった日からマットも私もずっと今は悲しみの底をさまよっています。

 

美しいコロラドの夏が到来し、交通のあまりない住宅地で、交通事故の心配がないと思い、一月ほど前から外に出ることを許していたのです。まったく不意を食らったのですが、信じられないことに、交通事故ではなく、肉食の野生の「コヨーテ」というイヌ科の狼のような動物に襲われて食べられてしまったのです。

マットが先週の金曜からミネソタに家族に会いに行っていて不在だったため、18日、19日と一人でハナの捜索をしました。ポスターを貼ったり、チラシを配ったり、大きなアパートの敷地をハナの名前を呼びながら歩いて回って、アパートの掃除係の人や、事務所の人に話しに行ったりしました。

 

水曜の午後3時半ごろ、事務所の人から電話が入りました。事務の人の娘が、コヨーテに襲われたであろうという猫の足一本を事務所のすぐそばのアパートの敷地内にある小川沿いのところで発見したから、もうハナは生きてないんじゃないかと言ったのです。ルームメートのブロンデュに付き添ってもらって急いで見に行くと、黒い袋の中には少し乾燥して変わり果てたハナの足が入っていました。

もうそれからは、大きなショックと信じられない気持ちで、ほとんどパニック状態になりながら、他の体の部分が見つかるんじゃないかと小川沿いを歩きました。

 

この日の夜中に帰宅予定のマットには帰宅前に知らせたらいいのかわからず（火曜から泣き続けていたからこの悪い知らせを聞いたらどうなるかわからなかったので）、まずはちょうど同じ日（17日）に愛猫を亡くした同僚のショーンとマットのママに泣きながら電話をかけました。マットが帰宅するまで一人ではいられないからショーンには来てくれと頼みました。マットのママと叔母さんはもうマットに連絡をすることを勧めました。

マットは知らせを聞いたとたんに悲痛に泣き崩れました。

 

次の日、マットと二人で広い牧草地のような公園で、ハナに野原に咲く様々な花を摘みました。マットも私もハナの名前は花からつけたんだと思い出しては泣き、胸の痛みに張り裂けそうになりました。それからコヨーテがハナを連れ去ったであろう少し川上の方や森のほうまで歩きました。ハナが連れ去られていった場所、ハナが土に返ってゆくであろう土地を見なければという思いがこみ上げてきたからです。大きく開けた草原と森の中間のような場所はコヨーテが住処にしているであろう土地。この草原を見渡す場所へ来て、座りました。マットは今どんなにつらい気持ちで、もうハナなしではどうして日々をすごしたらいいのかわからないと話しました。私も痛みのなかで、本当にくやしい気持ちと信じることのできない呆然とした気持ちで広大なコロラドの自然を見つめました。そして、マットが「見て」といったのです。なんと、空には大きな猫の形をした雲がうかんでいるではありませんか。それも、猫が座って下を見下ろしているような形の雲です。マットは「ハナが僕達を見つめているんだよ。」と言いました。その雲はしばらくの間、形をとどめてから消えていきました。

 

アパートに帰ってから、電話でパット（ハナを一時期預かったこともあるマットの叔母さん）の夢の話をききました。まだハナの足が見つかったことも知らないうちに、水曜の夜にパットはこんな夢をみました。ある扉を開けたら、裏口にでる次のドアがありました。このドアは半分開いた状態で、ハナはそこに座っていました。外を見ると、まばゆいほどの光が射しています。そこには何もあるではなく、ただ輝く光がありましたが、パットは花の咲いている草原のようなものを感じたそうです。そして、ハナはパットのほうを向いて、二人の目が合いました。パットはハナが幸せで笑顔でいることを感じました。パットは泣きながらこの夢から覚め、そして、ハナがもうこの世界にはいないことを知ったそうです。

このイメージは私の中でずっと行き続けます。輝く世界へ旅立っていったハナ。幸せでいることを知らせてくれたハナ。

 

マットのママもハナの夢は見なかったものの、木曜の朝、目覚めたときにハナがもうこの世にはいないことを感じたそうです。帰ってきて欲しいと強く願い諦められないでいる私。もう死んでしまったんだということを受け入れられないでいる私。でも、それでいい。こんなに涙が尽きることなく過ごす日々は初めてだけれど、悲しいことは悲しくて、辛いことは辛くていいんだと肯定しています。

 

木曜の夜はマットと二人でハナが別の世界から会いに来てくれることを願いながら、眠りにつきました。瞑想をしながらハナにどこにいるのかと聞いたら、こんな光景が見えてきました。沈んでいくところか、昇っていくところかは不明だけれども（というより、多分このまま動かないであろうというような）大きな太陽が地上から4分の３ほど姿を見せ、それはとても美しい光景でした。そのあと、少し高い木がまばらにある森の前で、ハナがこっちを振り返っている光景も見ました。そこにいるのに、でも届かないと感じました。ハナは森のほうへ向かっていてこっちには帰ってこられないのです。こうしてわたしも、ハナはもう帰ってこないんだと感じました。

 

水曜日に小川を歩き、ハナのアパートの掃除係の人に会い、猫は見つかったかと聞かれたので事情を説明すると、一月前にもほかの猫がコヨーテに殺されていたそうです。アパートの敷地内の湖に住んでいた白鳥も殺されていました。アパートの管理をしている人たちは、コヨーテの危険を知っていたのに知らせてくれなかったのでしょうか。この危険を知っていれば、ハナを外に出したりはしなかったのに。もう取り返しがつかない、やるせない思いでいっぱいになりました。木曜に事務所の人へ手紙を書き、コヨーテの危険性を知らせるチラシを配るべきだと話しに行きました。話してみると、最近すぐ近所でコヨーテに犬が襲われたケース等、ほかにもあるようです。なおさら、ペットを飼っている人たちへの注意が必要です。

 

ハナは自然が大好きでした。アパートの前の小川には、蛙や小鳥やダチョウや魚が生息していて、ハナにとっては本当に天国のような場所でした。そこでハナの命が奪われたことには本当に胸が痛いです。ハナのために摘んできた野花を、ハナが最後に過ごしたであろう小川沿いの大きな木の下に捧げ、昨日と今日、ハナに話しかけてきました。

 

マットは、今ハナが住む天国では天敵に襲われる心配もなく、自然を思う存分楽しめるんだといっています。マットは次に生まれ変わるときは仏になるつもりでしたが、もう一度ハナと一緒に暮らすために、今は家族全員で天国に行くことにしたと話しました。

 

もっともっと毎日いっぱい遊んであげればよかった・・・。ハナは愛する者との一瞬一瞬の時間を大切にすることを教えてくれました。これからは、ヘキリ（チワワ）とマット、そして日本に住んでいる家族、マットのアメリカにいる家族（マットのお父さん、お母さんとパット叔母さんは、ハナの死を知ってから泣きながら私達あての手紙を書いて送ってくれたそうです。）や大切な友達、お互いの存在と愛情に感謝をする時間をもっとつくっていく決心をしました。日々の忙しさや、他のことに気をとられている間に愛する人を失ってしまうような人生を送りたくはないから。

 

私達を愛し、毎日を近くですごしたハナの一つ一つの仕草が思い出されます。なんであんなに天使のように愛情いっぱいの子が、こんなに早く死ななければいけなかったんでしょうね。まだ3歳でした。本当にやるせない気持ちです。朝起きると、ハナの死が悪夢であってそこにいてくれればいいのにと思うのに、ハナは帰ってこない。遊び好きで腕白だった子猫のころ。いっぱい引っかき傷をくれました。外に出さなかったら怒って引っかかれたのは一ヶ月ぐらい前。まだこの最後の引っかき傷が左腕に残っています。一生この傷がハナの思い出として残ってくれるといいのに。

 

ハナは私達の胸の中で生き続けます。

 

ハナ、こんなに愛情をくれてありがとう。

天国でずっと一緒に過ごせるときを楽しみにしているよ。

 

 

 

Hana didn’t come home after she left our apartment on Monday night (July 17). She was found in such a different form two days later on Wednesday afternoon. Monday night, Hana sat on me and purred for a long, long time on the bed like she was saying “good-bye” to me. She gave me kisses with the rough cat tongue on my face and neck. Now I think about not being able to see lovely Hana and feel as though I am sinking into this earth’s surface with deep sadness. I am literally feeling body and heart sink. Matt also has been wandering at the bottom of sadness since the day Hana was lost. This pain feels like it is going to destroy us.

Colorado’s beautiful summer came, and we had been allowing Hana to go outside since about a month ago. Hana loved being in the nature. There are many beautiful tall trees for Hana to climb, green grasses, a lake, and creeks just near by our apartment. There are a lot of wild animals like fish, ducks, frogs, swans, and all sorts of birds that Hana loved to look at. There was not much traffic in our apartment area, so there was little danger of traffic accident. We were shocked. We were so shocked and almost could not believe the way Hana’s life was taken. ---A wild coyote attacked and took her life.

Matt was away since Friday morning and was with his family in Minnesota. So I searched for Hana alone on Tuesday and Wednesday. I put up posters, handed out flyers, and called her name loud and walked around our rather large apartment complex area. I talked to maintenance people and people in the management office.

I received a phone call from a lady in the office around 3:30pm on Wednesday. She said, “About your cat though...I don’t think she’s alive anymore. A resident’s daughter found a cat’s paw at the creek near the office. The cat must have been attacked by a coyote.” The news was so painful that I couldn’t feel this nightmare was real. I asked Brondu to come with me to see what they found. When we arrived at the office, a maintenance guy showed me a cat’s leg in a black garbage bag that looked a little dry and dead. Yet, I could see the fur on the leg was very similar to Hana’s fur. I became almost in a panic state because of the extreme shock. I started wandering along the creek near the office where Hana’s paw was found. I think I heard the maintenance guy say that I might find other body parts of her.

I didn’t know what to tell to Matt. Matt had already been crying so much since Hana left. He was flying home that night, but I didn’t know if he would make it home if I told him about the possibility that Hana was gone forever. So I called Renee (Matt’s mom) crying and asked what to do. Renee was so shocked by the news, too, and said she really doesn’t know if I should tell Matt either. Pat (---Matt’s aunt who took care of Hana for about a month and half) was listening to the news behind Renee’s phone and told Renee that I have to tell Matt. So we concluded that we need to tell Matt before he comes home.
Matt answered his phone with a worried voice. We started crying uncontrollably with pain when I told him that a cat’s leg was found.

I needed someone to be near me, so I called my friend and coworker Shawn whose family lost a kitty almost at the same time. Their cat was missing for about two weeks. A neighbor found him almost dead a block from their house and called the humane society. Their kitty was so sick and did not have a chance to live. He was put to sleep. Shawn was sad and told me that his cat was put to sleep when I went to work on Tuesday. So Eya (his baby boy) and Shawn came to comfort me for a while.

Matt’s flight was late one hour. Our former roommate Michael came to my apartment around 11pm. We went to pick Matt up at the Denver airport. I couldn’t wait to see Matt and hold him. On the way home we held each other and cried and cried with the deep sadness. I was keeping Hana’s leg in the freezer not knowing what to do with it.
As soon as Matt saw the leg, he also confirmed that the leg was Hana’s. He told me how Hana said “good-bye” to him on Friday morning. When he was leaving very early in the morning to the airport, Hana followed him to the parking area. What a sweet kitty she was…

Next day, Matt and I walked along the creek. We were going to get some flowers for Hana at a store, but as we walked along the park where many wild flowers were blossoming, we realized that Hana would be happier with these little flowers in the nature than the ones raised by a big company who might use pesticides and whatnot. We picked up pretty flowers and sat in the meadow. We cried remembering that sweet Hana was named after flower. “Hana” means flower in Japanese.

Then, we walked along the upper creek and to the big field where the coyote must have taken Hana. I strongly felt that I have to see the place where Hana was taken to and where she goes back to the soil. This area in between open field and forest must be where the coyote and their family reside. Matt and I came to a place where we could view the field and sat down. Mat talked about how sad he is and also that he doesn’t know how to live without Hana. I stared at this vast Colorado nature with the feeling of disgust and pain. Then, Matt said, “Look up there!” There was a big cloud shaped like a cat in the sky above the field. Furthermore, it was shaped as if Hana was sitting and looking down on us. “Hana is watching us,” Matt said. The cloud stayed for a while and disappeared.

We heard about Pat’s (Matt’s aunt’s) dream on the phone after coming back to the apartment. Pat has an ability to see things through her dreams. On Wednesday night, even before knowing about the discovery of Hana’s paw, Pat had this dream---She opened a door, and there was a back door. Hana was sitting there, and the door was half open. Pat looked outside. There was just very bright light, but she felt it was something like a meadow with flowers. Pat and Hana’s eyes met. They smiled. Cats don’t have a smiley face, but Pat felt that Hana was smiley and very happy. Pat woke up crying from the dream and understood that Hana already left this world.
This image of Hana will live with me forever; Hana leaving from this world and ready to go to the bright and beautiful heaven. I also am very glad that she let us know her happiness through Pat. Renee (Matt’s mom) didn’t have a dream of Hana, but she also felt that Hana is not in this world when she woke up on Thursday morning.

Why did she have to die so early? She was only two years and nine months old. It hurts. I wish everything happened to Hana was a nightmare. I wish I can wake up from the nightmare. I am here still hoping that Hana would come back. I am here not being able to accept her death. I know she is gone, but for now, I am accepting my inability to take this because I have never cried this much before for anything else. A pain is a pain. A grief is a grief. It is okay that I am not perfect.

On Thursday night, Matt and I went to bed hoping that Hana will come visit us from wherever she was. While in a meditative state, I asked her where she was. Then, this vision showed up; there was a big bright sun (or something similar to the sun) showing its beauty near the horizon. It felt as though the sun is going to stay there forever. Later on, I had another vision in which Hana was looking back at me, but she was walking toward the field with some trees. She was there, but I felt that she is determined to walk toward the forest and could not come back toward us. Then I knew that she will not come back to this world.

After all this nightmare, we found out that another cat had been killed by a coyote at the same creek a month ago. A dog was attacked by a coyote in our neighborhood not long ago. A swan on the lake in the community was killed. There are at least five known cases of coyote attack. We were so disappointed by the fact that no one warned us of the danger of a coyote and other predators. The property management company did warn its residents after the swan attack, but we moved in after that. We wrote a letter to the management company asking they put up signs regarding the dangers of predators in this area and hand out warning to the residents.

Hana loved nature. The creek was like heaven to Hana. There were birds, frogs, ducks, fish and many other animals to play with. It hurts to think about how her life was taken there. Yet, now I think it was a part of Hana’s nature that her life ended there. Matt and I offered some wild flowers to Hana under the tree near by the creek. We spoke to her and told her how much we love her and how much we miss her. Matt told me that Hana now can enjoy the nature without any fear of being attacked. Matt planned on becoming a bodhisattva in the next life, but we are now considering about going to heaven together instead so we can live with Hana again as soon as possible.

If there is one thing I would say I regret, I felt I should have spent more time with her… She is now teaching me how precious every moment is when we spend with someone we love. I do love to create more time with He’kili (our baby boy Chihuahua), Matt, my family in Japan, Matt’s family (Matt’s parents and Pat wrote us letters crying after they heard the news about Hana. Another of his aunts—Laura—came to comfort us), and good friends. I need more time to recognize the preciousness of their existence and to be thankful of their love. I don’t want to end my life while being busy with daily life or thinking about other trivial things.

Hana’s sweet and funny actions come to my mind. When she was kitten, she was such a playful fur ball. She ran across every part of the apartment. She gave me so many scratches. It was just a month ago she gave me another scratch. She was angry that we didn’t let her go outside. I still have the mark. I wish I can keep it as her memory. She loved to hunt me and watch me scream. It was such a fun game (for her)!! She deeply loved us, and she showed how much she loved us everyday. She demanded that she purr on me every time I took shower. I had to lie down for her. She would give me kisses.

Hana lives forever in our heart.

Hana, thank you for giving us such profound Love.
We look forward to playing with you in Heaven.