As many ancient cultures considered the Sun as God, I feel something very sacred every time I see and feel the warmth of the Sun. The energy that enables the creation of life and gives us the ability to sustain our lives is of God’s power although my belief is that God is everywhere not just the Sun.

I wanted to express the eye of Spirit through the Sun. The eye goes around the Earth and reaches to us. It watches over the lives on the Earth. It does not judge or punish. It just is…

Finally, I painted!! Yay! I wanted to paint for so long, but
I was goofy and too lazy to start. In fact, I bought my acrylic painting set
with an easel about a year ago. I choose my sweet Genzai Roshi (our cat) for my first try
because I know his personality well. I wanted to express his Roshi-ness.

He always amazes me with his enlightened “Roshi” type behaviors.
His name means “Now” in Japanese. He totally knows what life is all about. He
is super calm. He never scratches or bites us. He lies on his back for a long
time…REALLY a long time. You can see this in one of the pictures. Another funny
thing about him is that he is never in a hurry. When we see him sitting in
front of his empty dish, we think he is hungry. So we give him some food, and
he ALWAYS LEAVES from his bowl without eating even a bite. Then, about half an
hour later, he returns to eat. He is fluffy and wide,  but he doesn’t eat very much. He doesn’t move much either.

The picture I used as a motif is the one with happy Buddha. Don’t
they look a like? I bought the happy Buddha because it reminded me of Genzai.

Matt and I had a chance to see a solo concert by Tzol (vocal&guitar, Kan’Nal ) and Daniel KatsuK (vocal&guitar, A-hummin Acoustical Acupuncture; aka AAA) in Arvada, CO on Friday night. Both artists amaze both Matt and me  each time we see them, and I finally feel compelled to write about them to share this joy with other people.

I first heard Kan’Nal’s music when my beloved baby cat Hana died and I was in a deep sadness. The music just sank into my heart, and I felt a connection between this world and another world that awaits us when we die and return to Spirit.

Then, we saw a solo concert of Tzol and Daniel KatsuK in the winter last year. What beautiful music! We bought AAA’s CD called “Remembrance,” which became one of my favorite CDs. I especially like the song named “All the Same Light.” This is a part of AAA’s song “All the Same Light”—

And as I gaze out in these stars
I see they’re all the same light
They’re all the same from afar
So how can one be right
If they’re all the same light
Well how can one be right
Over another light
They’re all individual suns
With characteristics of the One

After that, we had three occasions to see Kan’Nal’s concerts. One at the Dreamtime Festival in Paonia, CO in July, 2007 was absolutely magnificent. All the songs that connect this world and another world were decorated by beautiful dancers, fire dancers, light dancers, and jugglers. (Mmmm…I can’t express well how magnificent it was in words! You have to see it by yourself to know what I am trying to describe here.)

We were outdoor surrounded by beautiful Colorado mountains, the sky, and stars. We were looking at the stage where a nice cool breeze blew from the front of the stage to the back. I watched two dancers on stage while Tzol shouted with his clear heavenly animal-like deep voice, accompanied by perfect jamming on the guitar, didgeridoo, and drum. Then, something clicked in my head, and I realized that I am a God who is watching human lives. I’d learned that God is within through my spiritual quest, but it was more like a concept and not reality. I finally understood that I am a human (“Ayako”) experiencing God and also God experiencing human existence.

I talked a lot about this experience with Matt. He already was WAY past this point of realization, and explained a lot of things to me just like Morphius did to Neo in the movie the Matrix. I finally started understanding what Matt has been talking about in the past three years. It was like all the pieces of a puzzle were put back together and a mystery was solved. I felt I was finally back home.

It was interesting that all the staff at Dreamtime Festival greeted us with the words “Welcome home!” when we arrived. It must have been the theme of the event, and they were successful in bringing me back to the place where I can connect with my true Self. It was (and still is) a long journey for me.  I was totally an atheist for most of my life. I grew up in Japan where the majority of people are atheists and skeptical about most religious groups and religious activities. Now I understand that it was my destiny to learn spirituality through living in a foreign country. Thank you, everything and everyone. Thank you, Dreamtime. Thank you, Kan’Nal. Thank you, Matt. Thank you, all that I have done to take me to this awareness.

It was kind of funny that Matt thought I already had this kind of spiritual realization long ago… but I didn’t! I tricked him good, didn’t I? ;-)

I was in Japan for 16 days in August. It was so good to see my family and friends.

It was extremely humid and hot, so I tried not to go out too much. During my stay, there were over 750 people carried to hospitals, and about 3 people died each day due to the heat in Japan. Reading books at home was one way to spend time quietly in such severe weather. One of my sisters teaches literature at a high school and has a lot of books. She brought me some books I might be interested in. It was surprising that she handed me a Japanese translation of “Siddhartha” by Hesse because I read the same book in English a couple of years ago.

 

I remember I kind of understood the story back then but not quite sure what it really meant. I thought I might have a better understanding this time. So I read the book in Japanese. I came to know that I had to experience the life like Siddhartha before I can appreciate the depth and meaning of this book. There were so many parts of the story that made me nod with great excitement.

 

I first want to summarize the story for those of you who never had a chance to read the book. (Please skip if you read the book.)

Siddhartha was born as a son of Brahmin. Brahmins are the priest class and the highest in Hindu caste. He was very smart and fast to learn the teachings of Hindu; yet he wasn’t content with his life and left home to do penance with his friend Govinda. They tried everything there but weren’t still close to awakening. Then, they met Buddha. They understood Buddha is the only enlightened person they have ever met. Govinda stayed with Buddha to follow his teachings, yet Siddhartha kept on his journey. Siddhartha started living not as a monk anymore but as a business man and normal human. First he didn’t have any attachment to things, but gradually he started to care about money and all other things humans would seek for their human nature. Many years passed. One day, he realized how far he had been from living truth. He left everything he had and started to live with a ferryman beside a river. Ferryman was another enlightened man and showed him how to listen to the river. His life became simple and peaceful. His son came to live with him, and Siddhartha started to love him deeply as his father. His son was discontent with living at the ferryman’s place and left. Siddhartha was in great pain from losing his son. When he was in despair, the ferryman again suggested listening to the river more carefully. What he understood there as reality was that every single thing on earth became one with the river, which was the perfection- Om. At the end of the story, Siddartha happened to meet his old friend Govinda again. Govinda was still following and searching for great teachings, living rightfully as a monk (thus not having pain of living as human as much as Siddhartha did) and was not able to seek the truth within.

 

The astonishing thing is how the author understood the importance of experiencing pain and suffering as a human being. I read a book on Buddha’s teachings recently. It talks about non-attachment and live moderately and honestly etc. I thought following his teachings without knowing the reasons behind his teaching is very boring.  It is same as I think people who follow any other religious admonition just because these rules are thought be right are boring. I agree with Hesse. In order to go beyond suffering and understand importance of great sages’ teachings, people have to go through their own lives and experience human suffering. I had to hurt myself and others so many times because I needed to learn. I was a good, kind child, but had to be “silly” so many times as I grew up. I lied, hurt, and was selfish because I am a human. I fell in love and was (and am still) attached to so many things just like Siddhartha.

 

Another amazing thing about this book, written in 1922, is that it illustrates very well about acceptance of everything in the world when a person reaches enlightenment. When Siddhartha became a businessman from monk, he was slightly contemptuous about “dirty” human life. Yet, he himself became one of them. Above all, he later deeply loved someone (his son) and tasted the pain of separation. Then, he listened to the river again. Every life and everything went through the river. Then, the affirmation of all including human life came to him. This part of the story shows that it really is that the realization of emptiness and wholeness are two and one. It shows that we can reach the point of love toward all and acceptance of what is through non-attachment.

 

The conversation between Siddhartha and Govinda in the last chapter is so well stated about what I wanted to express for a while. I am not as eloquent as Hesse, so I will quote his writing.

The following is the excerpt from chapter 12 “Govinda.”  If you are interested in reading the whole book, you can get it from the following website.

 
(Source: http://www.online-literature.com/hesse/siddhartha/12/ ). 

 

Quoth Siddhartha: "I've had thoughts, yes, and insight, again and
again. Sometimes, for an hour or for an entire day, I have felt
knowledge in me, as one would feel life in one's heart. There have
been many thoughts, but it would be hard for me to convey them to you.
Look, my dear Govinda, this is one of my thoughts, which I have found:
wisdom cannot be passed on. Wisdom which a wise man tries to pass on
to someone always sounds like foolishness."

"Are you kidding?" asked Govinda.

"I'm not kidding. I'm telling you what I've found. Knowledge can be
conveyed, but not wisdom. It can be found, it can be lived, it is
possible to be carried by it, miracles can be performed with it, but it
cannot be expressed in words and taught. This was what I, even as a
young man, sometimes suspected, what has driven me away from the
teachers. I have found a thought, Govinda, which you'll again regard as
a joke or foolishness, but which is my best thought. It says: The
opposite of every truth is just as true! That's like this: any truth
can only be expressed and put into words when it is one-sided.
Everything is one-sided which can be thought with thoughts and said with
words, it's all one-sided, all just one half, all lacks completeness,
roundness, oneness. When the exalted Gotama spoke in his teachings of
the world, he had to divide it into Sansara and Nirvana, into deception
and truth, into suffering and salvation. It cannot be done differently,
there is no other way for him who wants to teach. But the world itself,
what exists around us and inside of us, is never one-sided. A person or
an act is never entirely Sansara or entirely Nirvana, a person is never
entirely holy or entirely sinful. It does really seem like this,
because we are subject to deception, as if time was something real.
Time is not real, Govinda, I have experienced this often and often
again. And if time is not real, then the gap which seems to be between
the world and the eternity, between suffering and blissfulness, between
evil and good, is also a deception."

"How come?" asked Govinda timidly.

"Listen well, my dear, listen well! The sinner, which I am and which
you are, is a sinner, but in times to come he will be Brahma again, he
will reach the Nirvana, will be Buddha--and now see: these "times to
come" are a deception, are only a parable! The sinner is not on his
way to become a Buddha, he is not in the process of developing, though
our capacity for thinking does not know how else to picture these
things. No, within the sinner is now and today already the future
Buddha, his future is already all there, you have to worship in him, in
you, in everyone the Buddha which is coming into being, the possible,
the hidden Buddha. The world, my friend Govinda, is not imperfect, or
on a slow path towards perfection: no, it is perfect in every moment,
all sin already carries the divine forgiveness in itself, all small
children already have the old person in themselves, all infants already
have death, all dying people the eternal life. It is nor possible for
any person to see how far another one has already progressed on his
path; in the robber and dice-gambler, the Buddha is waiting; in the
Brahman, the robber is waiting. In deep meditation, there is the
possibility to put time out of existence, to see all life which was,
is, and will be as if it was simultaneous, and there everything is
good, everything is perfect, everything is Brahman. Therefore, I see
whatever exists as good, death is to me like life, sin like holiness,
wisdom like foolishness, everything has to be as it is, everything only
requires my consent, only my willingness, my loving agreement, to be
good for me, to do nothing but work for my benefit, to be unable to ever
harm me. I have experienced on my body and on my soul that I needed sin
very much, I needed lust, the desire for possessions, vanity, and needed
the most shameful despair, in order to learn how to give up all
resistance, in order to learn how to love the world, in order to stop
comparing it to some world I wished, I imagined, some kind of perfection
I had made up, but to leave it as it is and to love it and to enjoy
being a part of it.--These, oh Govinda, are some of the thoughts which
have come into my mind."

Siddhartha bent down, picked up a stone from the ground, and weighed it
in his hand.

"This," he said playing with it, "is a stone, and will, after a
certain time, perhaps turn into soil, and will turn from soil into a
plant or animal or human being. In the past, I would have said: This
stone is just a stone, it is worthless, it belongs to the world of the
Maja; but because it might be able to become also a human being and a
spirit in the cycle of transformations, therefore I also grant it
importance. Thus, I would perhaps have thought in the past. But today
I think: this stone is a stone, it is also animal, it is also god, it is
also Buddha, I do not venerate and love it because it could turn into
this or that, but rather because it is already and always everything--
and it is this very fact, that it is a stone, that it appears to me now
and today as a stone, this is why I love it and see worth and purpose in
each of its veins and cavities, in the yellow, in the gray, in the
hardness, in the sound it makes when I knock at it, in the dryness or
wetness of its surface. There are stones which feel like oil or soap,
and others like leaves, others like sand, and every one is special and
prays the Om in its own way, each one is Brahman, but simultaneously and
just as much it is a stone, is oily or juicy, and this is this very fact
which I like and regard as wonderful and worthy of worship.--But let me
speak no more of this. The words are not good for the secret meaning,
everything always becomes a bit different, as soon as it is put into
words, gets distorted a bit, a bit silly--yes, and this is also very
good, and I like it a lot, I also very much agree with this, that this
what is one man's treasure and wisdom always sounds like foolishness to
another person."

Govinda listened silently.

"Why have you told me this about the stone?" he asked hesitantly after
a pause.

"I did it without any specific intention. Or perhaps what I meant was,
that love this very stone, and the river, and all these things we are
looking at and from which we can learn. I can love a stone, Govinda,
and also a tree or a piece of bark. This are things, and things can be
loved. But I cannot love words. Therefore, teachings are no good for
me, they have no hardness, no softness, no colours, no edges, no smell,
no taste, they have nothing but words. Perhaps it are these which keep
you from finding peace, perhaps it are the many words. Because
salvation and virtue as well, Sansara and Nirvana as well, are mere
words, Govinda. There is no thing which would be Nirvana; there is just
the word Nirvana."

Quoth Govinda: "Not just a word, my friend, is Nirvana. It is a
thought."

Siddhartha continued: "A thought, it might be so. I must confess to
you, my dear: I don't differentiate much between thoughts and words.
To be honest, I also have no high opinion of thoughts. I have a better
opinion of things. Here on this ferry-boat, for instance, a man has
been my predecessor and teacher, a holy man, who has for many years
simply believed in the river, nothing else. He had noticed that the
river's spoke to him, he learned from it, it educated and taught him,
the river seemed to be a god to him, for many years he did not know that
every wind, every cloud, every bird, every beetle was just as divine and
knows just as much and can teach just as much as the worshipped river.
But when this holy man went into the forests, he knew everything, knew
more than you and me, without teachers, without books, only because he
had believed in the river."

Govinda said: "But is that what you call `things', actually something
real, something which has existence? Isn't it just a deception of the
Maja, just an image and illusion? Your stone, your tree, your river--
are they actually a reality?"

"This too," spoke Siddhartha, "I do not care very much about. Let the
things be illusions or not, after all I would then also be an illusion,
and thus they are always like me. This is what makes them so dear and
worthy of veneration for me: they are like me. Therefore, I can love
them. And this is now a teaching you will laugh about: love, oh
Govinda, seems to me to be the most important thing of all. To
thoroughly understand the world, to explain it, to despise it, may be
the thing great thinkers do. But I'm only interested in being able to
love the world, not to despise it, not to hate it and me, to be able to
look upon it and me and all beings with love and admiration and great
respect."

"This I understand," spoke Govinda. "But this very thing was discovered
by the exalted one to be a deception. He commands benevolence,
clemency, sympathy, tolerance, but not love; he forbade us to tie our
heart in love to earthly things."

"I know it," said Siddhartha; his smile shone golden. "I know it,
Govinda. And behold, with this we are right in the middle of the
thicket of opinions, in the dispute about words. For I cannot deny, my
words of love are in a contradiction, a seeming contradiction with
Gotama's words. For this very reason, I distrust in words so much, for
I know, this contradiction is a deception. I know that I am in
agreement with Gotama. How should he not know love, he, who has
discovered all elements of human existence in their transitoriness, in
their meaninglessness, and yet loved people thus much, to use a long,
laborious life only to help them, to teach them! Even with him, even
with your great teacher, I prefer the thing over the words, place more
importance on his acts and life than on his speeches, more on the
gestures of his hand than his opinions. Not in his speech, not in his
thoughts, I see his greatness, only in his actions, in his life."

For a long time, the two old men said nothing. Then spoke Govinda,
while bowing for a farewell: "I thank you, Siddhartha, for telling me
some of your thoughts. They are partially strange thoughts, not all
have been instantly understandable to me. This being as it may, I thank
you, and I wish you to have calm days."

(But secretly he thought to himself: This Siddhartha is a bizarre
person, he expresses bizarre thoughts, his teachings sound foolish.
So differently sound the exalted one's pure teachings, clearer, purer,
more comprehensible, nothing strange, foolish, or silly is contained in
them. But different from his thoughts seemed to me Siddhartha's hands
and feet, his eyes, his forehead, his breath, his smile, his greeting,
his walk. Never again, after our exalted Gotama has become one with the
Nirvana, never since then have I met a person of whom I felt: this is a
holy man! Only him, this Siddhartha, I have found to be like this. May
his teachings be strange, may his words sound foolish; out of his gaze
and his hand, his skin and his hair, out of every part of him shines a
purity, shines a calmness, shines a cheerfulness and mildness and
holiness, which I have seen in no other person since the final death of
our exalted teacher.)

As Govinda thought like this, and there was a conflict in his heart, he
once again bowed to Siddhartha, drawn by love. Deeply he bowed to him
who was calmly sitting.

"Siddhartha," he spoke, "we have become old men. It is unlikely for
one of us to see the other again in this incarnation. I see, beloved,
that you have found peace. I confess that I haven't found it. Tell me,
oh honourable one, one more word, give my something on my way which I
can grasp, which I can understand! Give me something to be with me on
my path. It it often hard, my path, often dark, Siddhartha."

Siddhartha said nothing and looked at him with the ever unchanged,
quiet smile. Govinda stared at his face, with fear, with yearning,
suffering, and the eternal search was visible in his look, eternal
not-finding.

Siddhartha saw it and smiled.

"Bent down to me!" he whispered quietly in Govinda's ear. "Bend down to
me! Like this, even closer! Very close! Kiss my forehead, Govinda!"

But while Govinda with astonishment, and yet drawn by great love and
expectation, obeyed his words, bent down closely to him and touched his
forehead with his lips, something miraculous happened to him. While his
thoughts were still dwelling on Siddhartha's wondrous words, while he
was still struggling in vain and with reluctance to think away time, to
imagine Nirvana and Sansara as one, while even a certain contempt for
the words of his friend was fighting in him against an immense love and
veneration, this happened to him:

He no longer saw the face of his friend Siddhartha, instead he saw
other faces, many, a long sequence, a flowing river of faces, of
hundreds, of thousands, which all came and disappeared, and yet all
seemed to be there simultaneously, which all constantly changed and
renewed themselves, and which were still all Siddhartha. He saw the
face of a fish, a carp, with an infinitely painfully opened mouth, the
face of a dying fish, with fading eyes--he saw the face of a new-born
child, red and full of wrinkles, distorted from crying--he saw the face
of a murderer, he saw him plunging a knife into the body of another
person--he saw, in the same second, this criminal in bondage, kneeling
and his head being chopped off by the executioner with one blow of his
sword--he saw the bodies of men and women, naked in positions and cramps
of frenzied love--he saw corpses stretched out, motionless, cold, void--
he saw the heads of animals, of boars, of crocodiles, of elephants, of
bulls, of birds--he saw gods, saw Krishna, saw Agni--he saw all of these
figures and faces in a thousand relationships with one another, each one
helping the other, loving it, hating it, destroying it, giving re-birth
to it, each one was a will to die, a passionately painful confession of
transitoriness, and yet none of then died, each one only transformed,
was always re-born, received evermore a new face, without any time
having passed between the one and the other face--and all of these
figures and faces rested, flowed, generated themselves, floated along
and merged with each other, and they were all constantly covered by
something thin, without individuality of its own, but yet existing, like
a thin glass or ice, like a transparent skin, a shell or mold or mask of
water, and this mask was smiling, and this mask was Siddhartha's smiling
face, which he, Govinda, in this very same moment touched with his lips.
And, Govinda saw it like this, this smile of the mask, this smile of
oneness above the flowing forms, this smile of simultaneousness above
the thousand births and deaths, this smile of Siddhartha was precisely
the same, was precisely of the same kind as the quiet, delicate,
impenetrable, perhaps benevolent, perhaps mocking, wise, thousand-fold
smile of Gotama, the Buddha, as he had seen it himself with great
respect a hundred times. Like this, Govinda knew, the perfected ones
are smiling.

Not knowing any more whether time existed, whether the vision had lasted
a second or a hundred years, not knowing any more whether there existed
a Siddhartha, a Gotama, a me and a you, feeling in his innermost self
as if he had been wounded by a divine arrow, the injury of which tasted
sweet, being enchanted and dissolved in his innermost self, Govinda
still stood for a little while bent over Siddhartha's quiet face, which
he had just kissed, which had just been the scene of all manifestations,
all transformations, all existence. The face was unchanged, after under
its surface the depth of the thousandfoldness had closed up again, he
smiled silently, smiled quietly and softly, perhaps very benevolently,
perhaps very mockingly, precisely as he used to smile, the exalted one.

Deeply, Govinda bowed; tears, he knew nothing of, ran down his old face;
like a fire burnt the feeling of the most intimate love, the humblest
veneration in his heart. Deeply, he bowed, touching the ground, before
him who was sitting motionlessly, whose smile reminded him of everything
he had ever loved in his life, what had ever been valuable and holy to
him in his life.

Second Birth

me and my stories
never ending

me and my stories
with such power to conquer

me and my stories…

they kept haunting
so I was
sure that I was
someone I know for a long-long time

they kept going
so as
to protect what is on the surface

they kept coming back
so I could
be entertained
by such complexity and endless
fear

pain

rained

and rained

............................................

one night,
Buddha Mind could not stand!
it could not stand watching another
me and my story
overcastting so the LIGHT
would not shine through

next morning,
Buddha Heart could not stand!
it could not stand listening to another
me and my story
shouting loud so the QUIETNESS
could not be heard

emergence of the Two
was the second birth

...............................................

the fire ball far far away
burned brighter
giving its life
to let me truly live

it speared all!!
but with such gentle warmth

it scaled off what was a protector of
my little world

then
a Buddha
Started listening to
me and my stories
with such compassion

 …

I am the Buddha

Shawn, Matt, and I went hiking on Monday night.
We were soaked in the rain and surrounded by thick fog all the way to the top of the mountain. It was like a life's journey. As soon as we started hiking, it started to rain. We weren't prepared for it, so all of us were soaked in the rain. It was so dark on the trail because the moon was hiding. We almost gave up and went home, but we believed that the sky would clear. When we reached to the top of the mountain, we could only see six trees in front of us due to the thick fog!! We were freezing with wet clothes and shoes.

45 minutes passed on the top of the mountain. I screamed, "Sky, please clear." and prayed the sky would open up. Someone heard my prayer, and the sky cleared gradually and the lights of the cities showed up one after another among the clouds. It was a magical and exciting moment. It was like opening up a treasure box with jewels. We played Kan'Nal and  Tool on the top of a mountain with my i-pod. We could see a view of all the gorgeous stars, moon, mountains, Boulder, Denver, and other cities. We danced to the music and felt Gods and Goddesses around us. All I felt was deep joy. Beyond all the sadness and death on this earth, I know that we are always surrounded by beauty, love, and the constant creation of life and life force. I am alive and KNOW that everything including all the sadness and darkness are here to teach us love.

The spot has an incredible view and is truly an amazing place on Earth. We felt Hana and all animal friends were with us there. The place makes us feel joy, love, and thankfulness to the universe!!

Hana didn’t come home after she left our apartment on Monday night (July 17). She was found in such a different form two days later on Wednesday afternoon. Monday night, Hana sat on me and purred for a long, long time on the bed like she was saying “good-bye” to me. She gave me kisses with the rough cat tongue on my face and neck. Now I think about not being able to see lovely Hana and feel as though I am sinking into this earth’s surface with deep sadness. I am literally feeling body and heart sink. Matt also has been wandering at the bottom of sadness since the day Hana was lost. This pain feels like it is going to destroy us.

Colorado’s beautiful summer came, and we had been allowing Hana to go outside since about a month ago. Hana loved being in the nature. There are many beautiful tall trees for Hana to climb, green grasses, a lake, and creeks just near by our apartment. There are a lot of wild animals like fish, ducks, frogs, swans, and all sorts of birds that Hana loved to look at. There was not much traffic in our apartment area, so there was little danger of traffic accident. We were shocked. We were so shocked and almost could not believe the way Hana’s life was taken. ---A wild coyote attacked and took her life.

Matt was away since Friday morning and was with his family in Minnesota. So I searched for Hana alone on Tuesday and Wednesday. I put up posters, handed out flyers, and called her name loud and walked around our rather large apartment complex area. I talked to maintenance people and people in the management office.

I received a phone call from a lady in the office around 3:30pm on Wednesday. She said, “About your cat though...I don’t think she’s alive anymore. A resident’s daughter found a cat’s paw at the creek near the office. The cat must have been attacked by a coyote.” The news was so painful that I couldn’t feel this nightmare was real. I asked Brondu to come with me to see what they found. When we arrived at the office, a maintenance guy showed me a cat’s leg in a black garbage bag that looked a little dry and dead. Yet, I could see the fur on the leg was very similar to Hana’s fur. I became almost in a panic state because of the extreme shock. I started wandering along the creek near the office where Hana’s paw was found. I think I heard the maintenance guy say that I might find other body parts of her.

I didn’t know what to tell to Matt. Matt had already been crying so much since Hana left. He was flying home that night, but I didn’t know if he would make it home if I told him about the possibility that Hana was gone forever. So I called Renee (Matt’s mom) crying and asked what to do. Renee was so shocked by the news, too, and said she really doesn’t know if I should tell Matt either. Pat (---Matt’s aunt who took care of Hana for about a month and half) was listening to the news behind Renee’s phone and told Renee that I have to tell Matt. So we concluded that we need to tell Matt before he comes home.
Matt answered his phone with a worried voice. We started crying uncontrollably with pain when I told him that a cat’s leg was found.

I needed someone to be near me, so I called my friend and coworker Shawn whose family lost a kitty almost at the same time. Their cat was missing for about two weeks. A neighbor found him almost dead a block from their house and called the humane society. Their kitty was so sick and did not have a chance to live. He was put to sleep. Shawn was sad and told me that his cat was put to sleep when I went to work on Tuesday. So Eya (his baby boy) and Shawn came to comfort me for a while.

Matt’s flight was late one hour. Our former roommate Michael came to my apartment around 11pm. We went to pick Matt up at the Denver airport. I couldn’t wait to see Matt and hold him. On the way home we held each other and cried and cried with the deep sadness. I was keeping Hana’s leg in the freezer not knowing what to do with it.
As soon as Matt saw the leg, he also confirmed that the leg was Hana’s. He told me how Hana said “good-bye” to him on Friday morning. When he was leaving very early in the morning to the airport, Hana followed him to the parking area. What a sweet kitty she was…

Next day, Matt and I walked along the creek. We were going to get some flowers for Hana at a store, but as we walked along the park where many wild flowers were blossoming, we realized that Hana would be happier with these little flowers in the nature than the ones raised by a big company who might use pesticides and whatnot. We picked up pretty flowers and sat in the meadow. We cried remembering that sweet Hana was named after flower. “Hana” means flower in Japanese.

Then, we walked along the upper creek and to the big field where the coyote must have taken Hana. I strongly felt that I have to see the place where Hana was taken to and where she goes back to the soil. This area in between open field and forest must be where the coyote and their family reside. Matt and I came to a place where we could view the field and sat down. Mat talked about how sad he is and also that he doesn’t know how to live without Hana. I stared at this vast Colorado nature with the feeling of disgust and pain. Then, Matt said, “Look up there!” There was a big cloud shaped like a cat in the sky above the field. Furthermore, it was shaped as if Hana was sitting and looking down on us. “Hana is watching us,” Matt said. The cloud stayed for a while and disappeared.

We heard about Pat’s (Matt’s aunt’s) dream on the phone after coming back to the apartment. Pat has an ability to see things through her dreams. On Wednesday night, even before knowing about the discovery of Hana’s paw, Pat had this dream---She opened a door, and there was a back door. Hana was sitting there, and the door was half open. Pat looked outside. There was just very bright light, but she felt it was something like a meadow with flowers. Pat and Hana’s eyes met. They smiled. Cats don’t have a smiley face, but Pat felt that Hana was smiley and very happy. Pat woke up crying from the dream and understood that Hana already left this world.
This image of Hana will live with me forever; Hana leaving from this world and ready to go to the bright and beautiful heaven. I also am very glad that she let us know her happiness through Pat. Renee (Matt’s mom) didn’t have a dream of Hana, but she also felt that Hana is not in this world when she woke up on Thursday morning.

Why did she have to die so early? She was only two years and nine months old. It hurts. I wish everything happened to Hana was a nightmare. I wish I can wake up from the nightmare. I am here still hoping that Hana would come back. I am here not being able to accept her death. I know she is gone, but for now, I am accepting my inability to take this because I have never cried this much before for anything else. A pain is a pain. A grief is a grief. It is okay that I am not perfect.

On Thursday night, Matt and I went to bed hoping that Hana will come visit us from wherever she was. While in a meditative state, I asked her where she was. Then, this vision showed up; there was a big bright sun (or something similar to the sun) showing its beauty near the horizon. It felt as though the sun is going to stay there forever. Later on, I had another vision in which Hana was looking back at me, but she was walking toward the field with some trees. She was there, but I felt that she is determined to walk toward the forest and could not come back toward us. Then I knew that she will not come back to this world.

After all this nightmare, we found out that another cat had been killed by a coyote at the same creek a month ago. A dog was attacked by a coyote in our neighborhood not long ago. A swan on the lake in the community was killed. There are at least five known cases of coyote attack. We were so disappointed by the fact that no one warned us of the danger of a coyote and other predators. The property management company did warn its residents after the swan attack, but we moved in after that. We wrote a letter to the management company asking they put up signs regarding the dangers of predators in this area and hand out warning to the residents.

Hana loved nature. The creek was like heaven to Hana. There were birds, frogs, ducks, fish and many other animals to play with. It hurts to think about how her life was taken there. Yet, now I think it was a part of Hana’s nature that her life ended there. Matt and I offered some wild flowers to Hana under the tree near by the creek. We spoke to her and told her how much we love her and how much we miss her. Matt told me that Hana now can enjoy the nature without any fear of being attacked. Matt planned on becoming a bodhisattva in the next life, but we are now considering about going to heaven together instead so we can live with Hana again as soon as possible.

If there is one thing I would say I regret, I felt I should have spent more time with her… She is now teaching me how precious every moment is when we spend with someone we love. I do love to create more time with He’kili (our baby boy Chihuahua), Matt, my family in Japan, Matt’s family (Matt’s parents and Pat wrote us letters crying after they heard the news about Hana. Another of his aunts—Laura—came to comfort us), and good friends. I need more time to recognize the preciousness of their existence and to be thankful of their love. I don’t want to end my life while being busy with daily life or thinking about other trivial things.

Hana’s sweet and funny actions come to my mind. When she was kitten, she was such a playful fur ball. She ran across every part of the apartment. She gave me so many scratches. It was just a month ago she gave me another scratch. She was angry that we didn’t let her go outside. I still have the mark. I wish I can keep it as her memory. She loved to hunt me and watch me scream. It was such a fun game (for her)!! She deeply loved us, and she showed how much she loved us everyday. She demanded that she purr on me every time I took shower. I had to lie down for her. She would give me kisses.

Hana lives forever in our heart.

Hana, thank you for giving us such profound Love.
We look forward to playing with you in Heaven.

（I will be translating this doc to English soon) 

愛猫「ハナ（花）」との突然のお別れ

 ä»Šé€±æœˆæ›œï¼ˆ17日）の夜にアパートを出てから帰ってこなかったハナが2日後の水曜（19日）の午後に変わり果てた姿で発見されました。17日の夜、お別れを言うように長い間、ベッドの上で横になった私の上でゴロゴロと言いながら据わり続けたハナ。ざらざらとした舌で顔と首を舐めてくれたハナ。もうあの愛らしいハナに会えないのかと思うと、痛みで胸と体がこの地に沈んでいくように感じられます。ハナが帰ってこなくなった日からマットも私もずっと今は悲しみの底をさまよっています。

 

美しいコロラドの夏が到来し、交通のあまりない住宅地で、交通事故の心配がないと思い、一月ほど前から外に出ることを許していたのです。まったく不意を食らったのですが、信じられないことに、交通事故ではなく、肉食の野生の「コヨーテ」というイヌ科の狼のような動物に襲われて食べられてしまったのです。

マットが先週の金曜からミネソタに家族に会いに行っていて不在だったため、18日、19日と一人でハナの捜索をしました。ポスターを貼ったり、チラシを配ったり、大きなアパートの敷地をハナの名前を呼びながら歩いて回って、アパートの掃除係の人や、事務所の人に話しに行ったりしました。

 

水曜の午後3時半ごろ、事務所の人から電話が入りました。事務の人の娘が、コヨーテに襲われたであろうという猫の足一本を事務所のすぐそばのアパートの敷地内にある小川沿いのところで発見したから、もうハナは生きてないんじゃないかと言ったのです。ルームメートのブロンデュに付き添ってもらって急いで見に行くと、黒い袋の中には少し乾燥して変わり果てたハナの足が入っていました。

もうそれからは、大きなショックと信じられない気持ちで、ほとんどパニック状態になりながら、他の体の部分が見つかるんじゃないかと小川沿いを歩きました。

 

この日の夜中に帰宅予定のマットには帰宅前に知らせたらいいのかわからず（火曜から泣き続けていたからこの悪い知らせを聞いたらどうなるかわからなかったので）、まずはちょうど同じ日（17日）に愛猫を亡くした同僚のショーンとマットのママに泣きながら電話をかけました。マットが帰宅するまで一人ではいられないからショーンには来てくれと頼みました。マットのママと叔母さんはもうマットに連絡をすることを勧めました。

マットは知らせを聞いたとたんに悲痛に泣き崩れました。

 

次の日、マットと二人で広い牧草地のような公園で、ハナに野原に咲く様々な花を摘みました。マットも私もハナの名前は花からつけたんだと思い出しては泣き、胸の痛みに張り裂けそうになりました。それからコヨーテがハナを連れ去ったであろう少し川上の方や森のほうまで歩きました。ハナが連れ去られていった場所、ハナが土に返ってゆくであろう土地を見なければという思いがこみ上げてきたからです。大きく開けた草原と森の中間のような場所はコヨーテが住処にしているであろう土地。この草原を見渡す場所へ来て、座りました。マットは今どんなにつらい気持ちで、もうハナなしではどうして日々をすごしたらいいのかわからないと話しました。私も痛みのなかで、本当にくやしい気持ちと信じることのできない呆然とした気持ちで広大なコロラドの自然を見つめました。そして、マットが「見て」といったのです。なんと、空には大きな猫の形をした雲がうかんでいるではありませんか。それも、猫が座って下を見下ろしているような形の雲です。マットは「ハナが僕達を見つめているんだよ。」と言いました。その雲はしばらくの間、形をとどめてから消えていきました。

 

アパートに帰ってから、電話でパット（ハナを一時期預かったこともあるマットの叔母さん）の夢の話をききました。まだハナの足が見つかったことも知らないうちに、水曜の夜にパットはこんな夢をみました。ある扉を開けたら、裏口にでる次のドアがありました。このドアは半分開いた状態で、ハナはそこに座っていました。外を見ると、まばゆいほどの光が射しています。そこには何もあるではなく、ただ輝く光がありましたが、パットは花の咲いている草原のようなものを感じたそうです。そして、ハナはパットのほうを向いて、二人の目が合いました。パットはハナが幸せで笑顔でいることを感じました。パットは泣きながらこの夢から覚め、そして、ハナがもうこの世界にはいないことを知ったそうです。

このイメージは私の中でずっと行き続けます。輝く世界へ旅立っていったハナ。幸せでいることを知らせてくれたハナ。

 

マットのママもハナの夢は見なかったものの、木曜の朝、目覚めたときにハナがもうこの世にはいないことを感じたそうです。帰ってきて欲しいと強く願い諦められないでいる私。もう死んでしまったんだということを受け入れられないでいる私。でも、それでいい。こんなに涙が尽きることなく過ごす日々は初めてだけれど、悲しいことは悲しくて、辛いことは辛くていいんだと肯定しています。

 

木曜の夜はマットと二人でハナが別の世界から会いに来てくれることを願いながら、眠りにつきました。瞑想をしながらハナにどこにいるのかと聞いたら、こんな光景が見えてきました。沈んでいくところか、昇っていくところかは不明だけれども（というより、多分このまま動かないであろうというような）大きな太陽が地上から4分の３ほど姿を見せ、それはとても美しい光景でした。そのあと、少し高い木がまばらにある森の前で、ハナがこっちを振り返っている光景も見ました。そこにいるのに、でも届かないと感じました。ハナは森のほうへ向かっていてこっちには帰ってこられないのです。こうしてわたしも、ハナはもう帰ってこないんだと感じました。

 

水曜日に小川を歩き、ハナのアパートの掃除係の人に会い、猫は見つかったかと聞かれたので事情を説明すると、一月前にもほかの猫がコヨーテに殺されていたそうです。アパートの敷地内の湖に住んでいた白鳥も殺されていました。アパートの管理をしている人たちは、コヨーテの危険を知っていたのに知らせてくれなかったのでしょうか。この危険を知っていれば、ハナを外に出したりはしなかったのに。もう取り返しがつかない、やるせない思いでいっぱいになりました。木曜に事務所の人へ手紙を書き、コヨーテの危険性を知らせるチラシを配るべきだと話しに行きました。話してみると、最近すぐ近所でコヨーテに犬が襲われたケース等、ほかにもあるようです。なおさら、ペットを飼っている人たちへの注意が必要です。

 

ハナは自然が大好きでした。アパートの前の小川には、�